Consultation Period

Feeling kind of numb today, it's finally here and I've been expecting it for some months as I knew there would be a second tranche of redundancies - there always is.
Funny (peculiar) the reactions you get from colleagues who are in the same boat, those comrades who are not and friends who want to support but don't know how.  The damming news was delivered the same way as it was delivered 2 years ago when our organisation merged with another.  The morning email was cascaded across the department and followed by an hour session at Head Office in the afternoon. 
I remember the first time hearing "Oh of course we will be in a much better situation after the merger", financially of course! and although we did question the merit of joining two very different organisations we were only staff - what did we know. 

Well another consultation but I can't be bothered to engage, the first time we raised 5 alternative proposals only to find out that the Directors had already started putting their concept into action and had recruited managers to the new posts.  Luckily this did bode well for those who took out grievances upon being made redundant. The hefty remuneration that some received who had the tenacity to take it to judicial review surely soothed their passing.  After being stung so badly no doubt the Powers that Be will be running this "consultation" by the book, so I guess I have 3 months before I'm out on the streets.

Why do I feel numb? I suppose it is a battle of wills - the emotional side of the brain versus the logical side.  You see I am rather happy that it has happened, I hated working for them and I hated the work that my role had morphed into.  I would never have left because the money was good, my working situation was comfortable and geez I am the breadwinner and the only one paying the bills in this household!  Mmm logical brain stepping in there...thats when I start to feel anxious, what will happen if I can't find another job? images of living in a cardboard box under the railway bridge come to mind.

But I have my new puppy to play with, a lovely 7 week old chocolate coloured cockapoo - I was informed after calling it a cockadoodle.  I have been house-bound for 3 days because I cannot bear to leave it, albeit that she would be cared for by my adult son; who tries not to be gooey but frequently succumbs to talking babytalk whenever addressing her.  I quite like the thought of being able to pay her undivided attention and then a sharp jolt brings me back to earth and I realise that I might not get another job working from home.
Will I turn into one of those women who transport their dogs in oversized shoulder bags wherever they go?
How will I pay for dog training classes, if I am not earning a crust? Perhaps I could volunteer as a helper and getting the training for free - where there's a will there's a way they say.

I suppose I should be concentrating on finding work, how nerve-wracking is that? selling yourself to the highest bidder!  Ugh so glad I signed up for that free NLP conference, which I will be attending on work time as I need the confidence boost.  I wonder if they are expecting me to work at all over the next 3 months? afterall there is no real incentive anymore and I know my manager will give me a good reference......

It is difficult promoting yourself, I've searched out my old C.V. which is dynamically worded and describes my professional prowess, but frankly I don't recognise that person and am sitting in disbelief at my previous accomplishments.  A good friend has just reminded me that I have lost the corporate lingo and have relaxed into speaking plain English, no doubt appreciated by all I come into contact with.  Nothing worse than those pretentious middle managers that sound like they have swallowed a dictionary! But there again they are employed and I won't be soon.

No Point moping around I have decided the best course of action is to spend £20 on lottery tickets and pray like blazes for at least 5 numbers to come up.  I may also start reading all those reports that are piled up on the table in order to blind my potential interviewers with my knowledge of current political initiatives.  I will sign up for job alerts and scan all the job pages on the internet, afterall there are hundreds of jobs being advertised....... just wish I could find a job I fancy applying for...sigh. 

Oh well not to worry I'm just going to play with my puppy for a bit will come back to all this later :)

What am I doing here?

My heart is banging and I am having trouble keeping my thoughts in order, that stupid voice in my head that sounds a bit like my mother is making critical comments and demanding I get on with the jobs I am supposed to be doing.  Instead I have been browsing through facebook, looking at messages on hotmail and have finished up with a good dose of blog reading, all this to stop me from doing what I am supposed to do.
Now you would think that all this procrastination would have left me feeling more relaxed and ready to face the task at hand....but no.  Instead I have now decided to waste more time by writing a blog about nothing but it spares me from contemplating what I must eventually do.
Why am I so nervous? is it fear of humilation, of upsetting someone, not getting it right....I think it all stems down to being a wanna be perfectionist.  Now I say a wanna be, because as much as I strive to make things perfect it never works out that way and to stop me from going mad I have to give in and accept my lot.  So would that be a lazy perfectionist? mmm mothers voice is back..
My other habit of comfort at times like these is chocolate or cake even, whatever it has to be sweet and gooey or there is always alcohol, I do love that warm, lush feeling spreading through your chest after the second or third mouthful of red wine.
What am I going to say? I know she wants me to be awe inspiring - I know this because she is a virgo like me and therefore she too is a perfectionist! Not only do I have to be awe inspiring, I have to be funny, I have to grab the attention of all assembled guests and tug at their heart strings.  There should be the odd tear or two and the swelling of chests from displayed pride.  But I don't care about the guests, I want all that just for her for she is my audience and the only one I want to impress. 
She is my love, my concern, my torment, my flesh, I want her to have every possible thing, yet know the difference of being without.  I want her to try, feel, experiment and grow, but she must be safe, happy, content and secure.  All grown now, no longer my responsibility I'm told - wry smile as I type this as it will never be the case.  I love her more than words can say, how and where do I start to capture that in words?  How do I stand up and tell the world how I feel, that my baby is a woman in love and marrying the man who will be there for her instead of me from now on?
This is getting me nowhere, I can hear my mother' voice now, stop moping she nags and get on with it - she gets married in 3 days and you haven't wrote the speech yet!